Today is the first day of classes for the Fall semester at Carson-Newman University. In honor of this special day, we're digressing into a question that has long plagued the denizens of Mossy Creek, namely, "Is it talons UP or talons OUT?"

As you are no doubt aware, the second and better-known mascot of the Carson-Newman athletics programs is an Eagle. (The first? The Fighting Parsons, of course.) Over time, various chants and cheers have originated from this avian bird of prey. Some were regrettable - "Stir the Nest"? - while others have endured, most recently the expression "Talons Up," which has taken on a life of its own.

Enter archvillain English professor and cake connoisseur Dr. Mike Sobiech. It would seem that during one of his many lumbering meanders on the banks of Mossy Creek, the thought struck him that an eagle's talons might better be expressed as proceeding OUT rather than UP, which would disrupt a decade's worth of C-N cheers, t-shirts, and selfies.

Attempting to settle this dispute, we reached out to raptor expert (really) Kathy Caminiti, who offered this take: "LOL I would say 'Talons Out.' They bring their legs up but then they open their talons out to catch their prey. Legs up. Talons out. When attacking prey, the talons are 'spread out' wide to increase the chance of a successful strike."

So there you have it. The debate has finally been settled.

The new Carson-Newman slogan is "Legs Up."

Is Santa real? Heck no, are you kidding me?? It is a ridiculous and destructive myth that we created to manipulate the behavior of our children and which fails to account for why all the bratty annoying kids of wealthy people are apparently so deeply loved by St. Nick, meanwhile the adorable but barely-making-it poor kid gets a couple pieces of candy and one hot wheels car.

Yikes! I feel like I came out way too hot there. Let’s back up and try again. But less crazy this time.

How should parents approach the Santa issue? This is a tough one for parents. On the one hand, you can lie to your kid . . . and watch them have years of unbridled joy opening presents and witlessly thanking the wrong person for it, while you sip on hot chocolate at dawn and reflect on the beauty and innocence of childhood and this astoundingly perfect creature your DNA somehow produced. But you did lie. On the other hand, you can suck the joy out of childhood with your sanctimonious holier-than-thou holiday fascism that insists that Santa is emphatically NOT the reason for the season, while simultaneously destining your child for a lifetime of vapid no-fun-allowed-ism and a decade of Emo clothes, vampiric sleeping patterns, Goth music, and black eyeliner, all because their childhood was robbed of fun as their mythical/imaginative brain was destroyed by the concrete-analytical brain they weren’t yet ready for, all in the service of your adult fun-sucking theological hang-ups.

Wow . . . that one still came out way too hot there. And still crazy. Sorry about that.

But really . . . your choice is this: A) play a mildly deceitful game with your child for the sake of pure joy, or B) fight a battle that probably isn’t worth fighting because they will inevitably learn about Santa before they understand the incarnate Christ in a manger anyway.

Also, any time you have the choice between lying to your kids or . . . whatever option B is, you should always choose lying to your kids. Why? Two reasons:

1) it’s fun to lie to your children, and your opportunities are limited (other examples include “vegetables are delicious”, “of course I want to watch Frozen for the eleventh time this week,” and “sometimes mommy and daddy like to wrestle”).
2) Even if you blow the lid on Santa, they STILL won’t believe you if other kids tell them “nuh uh, Santa is real! I saw him!” And that will always always always happen. Hard parenting lesson to learn while they are young: do whatever you think is best, but you still will always lose.

Additionally, there is an oft-repeated fear that our kids will find out that Santa is made up and then conclude that God is made up too. This rumor makes some sense, especially since Santa and God are in the same category in a child’s mind—an entity grown-ups talk about but you’ve never seen, who expects us to behave, and who gives us good things when we do (and both are, of course, old white dudes with beards who live in a far-away and inaccessible location with an army of tiny weird helpers). But y’all, no kid ever makes that jump. They just don’t. Also, these silly mini-humans have zero grasp on reality-vs-fantasy anyway. They think Jedi are real; they think you need to wear gloves to control your ice powers; they think Paw Patrol is a good cartoon; and they think their parents are actually cool. None of these things are true. They will sort out reality just fine later. And if they are later plagued with doubts about God’s existence, it won’t be because they got fooled by the Santa thing when they were 5; it will be because the adults in their world simply refuse to act like the Jesus they claim to follow. (And if you ARE going to lie, please try not to go as far as Megyn Kelly did or Jesus might really need to be thrown out with Santa.)

But seriously, there’s no sense in robbing the kids of childhood joys over your own theological hang-ups. And when they do figure it, just come clean, don’t double down on the myth. At that point, you really are lying.

Editor's Note: Special thanks to John Hill for these delightful questions! Because his questions were selected this week, we'll be sending him his very own "I Read the Bible with Chad and Dave" sticker! If you'd like a chance to win one, too, submit your Christmas- or book-themed questions to Dave and Chad at [email protected]. If we choose to respond to your question on our blog, you'll get your very own sticker! In the meantime, check out the great perks at our Kickstarter for our forthcoming book here.

 Dearest ex-husband of our second cousin,

We're so glad you asked. While it's been 16 years since we first and last saw you, it's good to hear from you. We're also delighted to know that word has reached you about our forthcoming book and greatly appreciate your interest in a copy. 

In case you had not seen it yet, our Kickstarter campaign - to raise funds to publish the book - has a $250 tier dedicated to our parents. As in, "Hey Mom and Dad, can I borrow $250?" That should tell the astute observer a few things: 1) There is a reason we did not write a book on greed. 2) Our expectations for profit are as modest as Elisabeth Eliot. And 3) Even Mom and Dad aren't getting a free copy.

However, we have also developed a more concrete mathematical formula (with the help of our esteemed mathematician colleagues Thomas Bass and Corbin Hedges) to determine who might qualify for a free book. First, rank yourself on our list of acquaintances. We currently have approximately 2500 unique "friends" on Facebook, but this part of the formula is trickier than you might think because you have to do it for BOTH of us. For instance, Brent Metcalf may come in at 63 on Chad's list but only 283 on Dave's list, arriving at an average of 173. Once you have derived your Average Acquaintance Rank (AAR), you must then multiply that number by 10 (cost of book is $10). In the case of Brent, that would result in 1730. That number now constitutes the amount of money we would lose if we gave a free copy to you and everyone who has a higher AAR. 

After checking and double-checking your math, if you are still unsure whether you are eligible to receive a free copy of our book, pronounce aloud the sounds made by combining the 14th and 15th letters of the English alphabet and you will have your answer.

But you know what's easier than math? Pre-ordering a copy of our book. And you can do so right here. 

Once again, thank you for your interest in our book. We look forward to seeing you again, even if your AAR is 2472.

Chad and Dave

If you've visited our Kickstarter campaign, you may have wondered about the special gift connected with our $20 contribution level - "The Apocryphal Chapters." What exactly are "The Apocryphal Chapters"? What will be included? And can I eat them?

We're so glad you asked.

Most popularly, "The Apocrypha" refers to a set of intertestamental (written between the time of the Old Testament writings and the New Testament writings) books that are typically included in Catholic and some Protestant Bibles. Not surprisingly, various Christian traditions have debated whether to include these books in bound Bibles, whether they are canonical or not, which books to include and which to omit, which order to put them in, and what color the book binding should be (we assume).  Being well-versed in these "deuterocanonical" books can impress your Catholic friends and draw the suspicions of your Evangelical friends. And watch the sparks fly at your ecumenical dinner parties!

In a more broad sense, however, "apocryphal" can take on the meaning of "extra", "additional", or even "secondary." 

To put it in musical terms, these are biblical "B-sides."

In that vein, we have collected a variety of our own "B-sides" from Chad and Dave Read the Bible, Vol. 1: The Christmas Story - writings that, for a variety of reasons, did not quite make the cut for our finished product. Much like the biblical Apocrypha, these writings were not cut because they were "trash" (or skubula in Greek) but rather because they didn't quite fit the scope of our intended project. Some of them you might quite enjoy. And who knows? You might even find a "Yellow Ledbetter" or "Unchained Melody" in the bunch.

As for the final contents, who can say? With a few months to go before we head to publication, decisions are still being made. Perhaps you will get "#BlackMagiMatter" - perhaps not. Perhaps you will find "The Revelation of Jesuchristo to Juan of Alvarado" - we'll see. But we promise to make it worth your while.

And finally, PDFs are not edible. If you print them, however . . .

The COVID-19 quarantine is responsible for making people do silly things. What else can explain the arrival on the interwebs on July 12, 2020 of renowned New Testament scholar N.T. Wright and DNA-discoverer Francis Collins strumming and singing a duet of "Genesis" - an ode to the marvels of the first book of the Old Testament set to the Beatles' "Yesterday" (including such delightful lines as "Earth and Heaven in a cosmic kiss")?

Well, if N.T. Wright and Francis Collins can channel their inner John and Paul, then why not Chad and Dave, too? We put out a call to our merry band of gawkers to suggest Beatles tunes that could be repurposed with Christmas imagery and the suggestions were rich and varied. Ami Hartsock indulged us by turning "I Saw Her Standing There" into "I Saw Him Lying There," while her father, Ray Dalton, recommended "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." Mike Sobiech, well, he doesn't even get a participation trophy for his suggestion ("The Thong Song").

But the winner was absolutely Tiffany Halfacre's challenge to update "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," which is either about a child's drawing or LSD. Which is also an apt description of John's visions on the island of Patmos as recorded in the book of Revelation, which just so happens to include a hallucinogenic version of the Christmas story (Revelation 12 - look it up). So, without further ado, I present to you, "Mary in the Wild with Diadem":

​Picture a woman in sunbeams and starlight
With moon underneath and god-child inside
Suddenly cries out in labor and anguish
As dragon descends from the sky
Seven-crowned heads with ten horns above
Waiting to take Him away
Look for the girl with the stars on her head
And she’s gone
Mary in the wild with diadem
Mary in the wild is shinin’
Mary in the wild, she’s flyin’
Ah
Struck down by angels and chasing the woman
The serpent spews floods to drown her away
Reddened with rage at his series of losses
He leads the whole world astray
Sprouting two wings like an eagle in flight
Somehow she just gets away
Saved by the earth and its opening mouth
And she’s gone
Mary in the wild with diadem
Mary in the wild is shinin’
Mary in the wild, she’s flyin’
Ah
Picture yourself now attacked by the dragon
The war is now yours, and you don’t have wings
Look for the girl with the moon underneath
The girl with the god-child inside
Mary in the wild with diadem
Mary in the wild is shinin’
Mary in the wild, she’s flyin’
Ah