A Few of chad's least favorite things

The Grinch. Ebenezer Scrooge. Your uncle Don. What do all of these people have in common? They hate Christmas, they hate all of its traditions, and they are happy to tell you about it. And while I am certainly not on their level, there are some things associated with Christmas that just bug me, and I’ve got to get them off my chest. So here are a few of my least favorite things about Christmas, in no particular order.
           
1) Jingle Bells as a Christmas Song. If you ever have the misfortune of going Christmas caroling (this should be its own bullet on this list), this one will make the playlist on every stop. Yet, it doesn’t have one darn thing to do with Christmas. Nothing at all. Jingle Bells is just a song about winter in general. It’s about some dude taking a sleigh ride (hint: the dude is NOT Santa). And if you read all the lyrics, it is just a cheap way for this guy to pick up girls, and he just ends up wrecking into a snow bank halfway through the song, which is less than ideal on a date. Then, after he wrecks the sleigh with the first girl, he just starts picking up girls in general. I don’t get it. Besides that, no one even owns a sleigh anymore. It just doesn’t make any sense. And it probably doesn’t even snow often in December where you live, and certainly not enough to warrant getting out the sleigh (Chad and Dave’s current Christmas forecast appears to be 50 degrees and partly cloudy.)
           
2) Ugly Christmas Sweaters as a Cottage Industry. Admittedly, this was a funny idea when it first started. It was funny because a lot of people bought and gave tacky Christmas sweaters, unironically. Your grandma bought these sweaters for you annually because she thought they were so pretty, and your mom made you wear it where MiMi could see it, even though you both knew it was ugly and embarrassing. Now, we mock that childhood trauma by having “ugly Christmas sweater parties.” But in a strange turn of events, a thing that began as a way to mock trendy, mainstream fashion has itself become a trendy, mainstream fashion. When you intentionally buy a Christmas sweater specifically because it is ugly, you have now become the butt of your own joke. Now, stores sell these things on purpose. Why? Because you will spend $40 on this stupid thing that you will wear one time ever to your office Christmas party, which probably required that everyone else in the office wear one, too. See also: if your company or your university alma mater sells ugly Christmas sweaters, but that also just happen to be completely “on brand” or make use to the company logo, you have once again become the butt of your own joke.
           
3) “Advent” Calendars That Are Really Just a “Countdown to Christmas.” Repeat after me: “Advent is not the same thing as Christmas.” Say it again. And again. Now also go tell your mother. And that lady at church that gives you a new Advent calendar every year around Thanksgiving. Advent is the season on the Church calendar that immediately precedes the season of Christmas. Advent should be marked by preparation, hope, and maybe even a little repentance sprinkled in for good measure. It should not be marked by cookies, more gifts, and rampant consumerism. If your “Advent” calendar requires you to give or open a new gift every morning, you are doing it wrong. If your “Advent” calendar shows you a new cookie recipe or a way to serve yet another holiday finger food, you are doing it wrong.
           
4) Christmas Caroling. Okay, I am still hung up on this one from earlier. I wish I could get past it, but I can’t. Christmas caroling is dumb. There. I said it. We get together with a bunch of people from our church, nearly no one in the group can actually sing except the one person who is leading this ridiculous expedition and who made you go in the first place (shoutout to our good friend Melodie!). Half your group doesn’t know the lyrics. People have no idea what to do when you show up at their house. You just dragged someone away from whatever they were watching on TV, warm and cozy under a blanket, and now they are standing on the porch in their jammies shivering, watching your group do a poor rendition of Silent Night, even though everyone knew we started it 8 keys too high in the first place, so now everyone drops out on the first “sleep in heavenly peeeee----eace”. It’s just awkward.
           
​**Bonus story: Chad’s dad served as a music minister during much of Chad’s childhood, and thus dragged Chad along for many a caroling outing. The best one was at a nursing home, when we caroled on the move, walking through the halls as we sang. Chad’s dad was walking backwards, facing the group, directing the song (because how could anyone ever possibly sing without the music director waving his arms to keep time?? Without that 4/4 arm metronome going, we would descend into certain chaos!). As he neared a lady in a wheelchair, she reached up and grabbed a handful of his rather ample booty. We all saw it. We all saw it coming; didn’t intervene. We all were rendered inert in our singing, unable to breath from the laughter. The old lady that groped my dad while Christmas caroling is easily in the top 5 times I have laughed the hardest in my lifetime.
 
This list could obviously go on for days, but I’m afraid if I keep going I am going to make (even more) people mad.
 
So what things do you want to add to the list?